Loyalty: Worthy Of A Blowjob

My Fellow Peers,

Once again, you have pissed me the fuck off. Only this time, it’s about your relationship standards. Now, obviously this doesn’t apply to all people my age, and can even apply to some outside our generation. But my middle finger is pointed at you.

Why?

Because I just read something on Twitter that suggested a man deserves a congratulatory blowjob for being LOYAL TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.

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I’m sorry, what? You deserve a prize for literally meeting THE MINIMUM STANDARD OF A RELATIONSHIP?!

All the gifts, dates, dinner, sexual favors are extra. Sure. If your man shows up with flowers or does some other sweet extra shit, or even if you’re just feeling friendly, go for it. Give out those BJs like you’re god damn Oprah.

You can even be like, hey. I am grateful and appreciative of how well you treat me. Allow me to gift you with oral sex. Fine.

BUT SEX AS A REWARD FOR NOT CHEATING ON YOU ARE YOU FUCKING DUMB?! SERIOUSLY?!

That’s the same as being like, “wow babe, you didn’t punch me in the face today! You’re such a keeper! Here’s some sex!”

Allow me to remind you of the LITERAL BASICS OF A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP:

(Side note: does not apply to fuckbuddy/FWB relationships. Those are lawless, open-field battle zones. Enter with caution. There are no rules.)

  1. YOU DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. FUCKING PERIOD. THIS REQUIRES NO FURTHER EXPLANATION. Your emotional baggage, your daddy/mommy issues/alcohol consumption/whatever your lame-ass excuse is DOES NOT FUCKING MATTER BECAUSE YOU HAVE ENTERED A COMMITMENT AND YOU SHALL HONOR THAT COMMITMENT OR YOU SHALL FUCKING LEAVE. 
  2. RESPECT. Like, not calling your significant other derogatory terms in a serious way or hitting them or making them have sex with you against their will. Dating does not equate a free-for-all vagina buffet NOR does it equate some unspoken “I can say whatever I want about/to you because we’re in a relationship” clause. If you do not respect the person you are dating…just WHY?! WHY.
  3. THE BROKEN TV METAPHOR: Why do you people lead me to preach like I’m fucking 80 when I am 19. Allow me to get into character *clears throat* Baaaaack in my day, when something was broken, you fixed it. You didn’t run out an buy a new one. You worked hard, and you fixed it.

    HERE’S A PSA, KIDS: RELATIONSHIPS ARE WORK. LOYALTY IS WORK. COMMITMENT IS WORK. It’s not easy. It’s not always pretty. It’s not always the “honeymoon stage” where your partner shits rainbows and the sex is great and everything is hunky-dory. LOYALTY+RESPECT+WORK+COMMUNICATION= BASICS OF A RELATIONSHIP

IF ANY OF THE ABOVE ARE THINGS YOU CANNOT HANDLE, STAY. FUCKING. SINGLE. THANKS.

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2 thoughts on “Loyalty: Worthy Of A Blowjob

  1. Welp I feel like this one is going to get around the Internet a few times, so I’m glad I just happened to catch up on some of your writing on the day you posted it. So before all of the comments start flooding in, my two cents…..

    First of all, I’m not a cheater. Just broke up with my gf of 5 years and never did once amidst a tremendous amount of opportunity to do so, so please don’t cast your anger upon me as I am certainly not a member of the loyalty deservs blow job ilk.

    However, since this is a topic you are stewing on, I think you need to read the book “sex at dawn: how we mate, why we stray and what it means for modern relationships.” Perhaps society is well intended in pushing monogamy, but it is certainly worth examining the other side of the coin which is human nature through an anthropological context. i won’t spoil the ending but Humans weren’t always monogamous, and humans haven’t changed, but society has. You can also find evidence of this in the wild. The closest primate to us humans is called the bonobo and they share 98.7 of our DNA, and they are the furthest thing from monogamous as it comes.

    Anyhow, assuming you read it, i can’t advise you on what to do with the information in this book, I still haven’t figured it out myself(other than making me a less jealous person and a better understanding of the human condition) but at the very least I feel enlightened as to the perpetual conflict between human nature vs current day western culture societal norms.

    Like

  2. Our natural instincts are not the only thing that matter. Unfortunately, there is often a great deal of social and economic impact made upon members of the relationship when someone decides to stray.

    Like

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