Poem: To Those Who Love Us

To those who love us

To those we pushed away with our coy attitudes and snarky words when you attempted to shower us with warmth and kindness in yours

To those who spent endless nights banging on the walls we’ve built around ourselves, knuckles bloodied and hearts still hopeful, only to be met with silence

To those who sat up wondering why the loyalty, understanding, and reassurance were not enough

To those who listened to us croon about that hammers that shattered our glass hearts, and then watched us seek out, once again, sinners of the same vein

To those who looked in the mirror and wondered what was missing, what wasn’t enough

To those who have been in love with the broken, the mistrustful, the damaged, and the confused

To those who shake us daily, taping the image they have of us onto our eyes, constantly enraged and confounded as to why we can’t ourselves the way that you do

To those who think the only side of the moon that exists is the side that shines amongst the stars, and have the naiveté to believe that light shines in all of us

To those who saw the good in us when we failed to see it in ourselves, and still leave unlocked all the doors we’ve slammed in your face

It was never you, it was always us

You go unloved, but not unnoticed.

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A Standardized Test Told Me I Can’t Write, So I Should Probably Strip

When coming to Cal Poly I, like all the other incoming freshmen, had to choose to my major upfront. After an emotionally scarring experience with Pre-Calculus, it had become clear to me that mathematics was not my strong suit, so Engineering and anything of that sort was out.

I loved science, but science also involved a lot of math, and I just wasn’t about that life. My next thought was psychology, but I’m hopelessly addicted to the broken already, so me in a psych major would probably lead to me in a psych ward.

So I landed on Journalism. Writing, being aggressive, asking questions; it seemed perfect. For a while, it was. I even had major success with one of my articles. It’s been translated into two languages (German, Spanish), re-published a multitude of times on various sites and in independent magazines, gotten me several job offers, and even my own meme on Reddit.

I had people telling me to keep writing, to never stop, that I had a true talent, and then…

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Self. Worth. Shattered. I didn’t fit in the box. The random people assigned to grade my hastily written, 9am word vomit on “college grading” just didn’t think I was worth much. So consider this my official resignation from writing. If a standardized test tells me I have no talent, it’s probably right.

Forget all the words of encouragement and positive reinforcement. This 2-hour test defines me more than my accomplishments ever will. Like the SAT, I am not a human being without a number attached to me. That’s actually what I wrote the essay on…probably why they didn’t like it. Why am I such a fuck-up, MY GOD?!

So for all of you who enjoyed my writing, thought I was kind of witty, and maybe even thought I had a future, I am sorry. But like always, a test has chosen my future for me, and it has chosen stripping…or maybe drugs…or maybe I can be the homeless woman who screams at the walls outside of Dickey’s.

Just remember, kids: it doesn’t matter what you’re good at if that little piece of paper tells you you’re a fuck up. And for those of you who have talents that don’t involve books and calculators? I’m talking about the musicians, artists, mechanics, and the like…there’s no test for you, so obviously you mean nothing. The world can survive without music, art, culinary skills, and someone to fix the car, you damn peasants.

Because these tests, these scantrons, and these half-assed essays you write to prove you belong at a school you already got into once…they are who you truly are. And if you can’t memorize and regurgitate information in a way the system teaching it sees fit, who are you really? What could you possibly give society? The cure for cancer? Nutella? Dope ass rap music? HA. NO ONE LIKES THAT SHIT ANYWAYS.

So thank you, Cal Poly, for confirming that my only genuine talent is being able to take tequila shots straight, no chase. You were right, I can’t write anyways. 🙂

Relationships: What You Want vs. What You Deserve

You’d never guess from my constant swearing and distant attitude that I’m a hopeless romantic. But alas, it’s true. In a world of relationships defined by Woman Crush Wednesdays and #RelationshipGoals, I’m still the girl who will hand write you a love letter or make you a mixtape to let you know you’re exactly who I want.

I don’t fall often. I think I’ve been seriously in love once in my life, and almost gotten there once or twice. But I crush often. And from these brief but meaningful infatuations, I’ve not only learned some things, but I’ve witnessed some things as well.

There seems to be a painful and annoying distinction between what we seek in relationships today, and what we deserve: a never-ending fight between what we want and what we need. And it plagues me daily, especially as of late, so I’m going to write about it.

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The Chase vs. Stability 

This is my greatest downfall. I am constantly infatuated with guys who do not know I exist (shout out to my gym husband who I stare at but never talk to, hey what’s your name?). Guys who throw themselves at me bore me. I love the adrenaline of a guy who could be here today gone tomorrow.

But this is a never-ending loop, especially if you get involved with someone who is exactly the same way.There’s a saying that, while true, is pretty messed up. It says, “power in a relationship lies with whomever cares less.” But I beg the question: what’s the point of a relationship if your goal will always be to care less? Make it a goal to feel safe, to feel cherished, and to feel wanted. Not to feel like a human game of Risk.

Talking Every Day vs. Meaningful Conversations

Who remembers the days of constantly-looping conversations with your crush?

“hey. who do u lyk?”

“cnt tell u lol”

“yes u can”

“ok u”

“o. I lyk u 2 lol”

Aaaand that was about it. Unless your person-in-question is Superman or something, their life isn’t going to change much between when you texted them “What are you doing?” at 3:05pm and when you text them “What are you doing?” at 3:15pm.

You don’t have to talk to someone every second of every day to let them know you care about them. This is still a hard one for me to grasp, because I’m a needy little bitch who loves attention and loves, loves, loves knowing that someone is thinking about me. But talking to someone loses value when the conversation does, and then you show up in person with nothing to say. Aim for quality over quantity.

What You Want to Hear vs. Honesty

It’s hard to hurt someone’s feelings, especially when you’re into them. But there is something to be said for someone who isn’t afraid to cuss you out every once in a while. I’m not talking about someone who criticizes your every accident or publishes your every mistake. But I’m talking about someone who isn’t afraid to tell you off or call you out when you’re really fucking up.

I’m guilty of over apologizing in a relationship until I get really, really, comfortable with the person. I’ll say sorry and take the blame just because I absolutely hate fighting and I want to get back to cuddling already. But sometimes, the person you love is going to fuck up, and they deserve to know that. Otherwise, when you leave because you’ve finally had enough of their shit, they won’t know what they did wrong in the first place. Honesty gives people a chance to fix mistakes they didn’t know they were making.

Words vs. Actions

There’s something comforting about someone saying they’ll be there for you, or love you forever, or that you’re what they want. But I’ve lived a life full of empty promises and, honestly, words don’t mean shit to me anymore.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but when I want somebody, I do NOT stop until I get them. Period. And that’s how it should be. I do not believe in “timing” or distance or fate or whatever. I dated a boy who lived in Miami for seven months. I chased after my high school sweetheart while he was blatantly banging someone else for about a year. When you care about someone, and/or when someone cares about you, there is nothing that should be able to stand in your way: time, distance, circumstance, whatever. If someone wants you, they will fight for you, and if they aren’t fighting for you, it’s time to let them go.

Lust vs. Love

Be careful of this one. I feel like often we are falling into relationships because of ease and comfort, or maybe just really good sex. We stick with what we know, or we choose the person who has always been there for us because we feel like we owe it to them. You do not owe anyone anything.

Choose the person you love based on who makes you feel like the best version of yourself, based on who makes you feel beautiful, and based on who you truly want to be with. Do not choose them based on what you feel you owe them, who they pretend to be, or because you worry no one else will put up with your shit.

In conclusion…

I know our generation is fifty shades of fucked up (haha) when it comes to relationships. We are scared, we’ve been hurt, and we are tentative to fight for what we deserve because we don’t believe we deserve it. But we do.

Seek a love worth fighting for, not worth settling for.