My Fellow Peers,
Once again, you have pissed me the fuck off. Only this time, it’s about your relationship standards. Now, obviously this doesn’t apply to all people my age, and can even apply to some outside our generation. But my middle finger is pointed at you.
Because I just read something on Twitter that suggested a man deserves a congratulatory blowjob for being LOYAL TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.
I’m sorry, what? You deserve a prize for literally meeting THE MINIMUM STANDARD OF A RELATIONSHIP?!
All the gifts, dates, dinner, sexual favors are extra. Sure. If your man shows up with flowers or does some other sweet extra shit, or even if you’re just feeling friendly, go for it. Give out those BJs like you’re god damn Oprah.
You can even be like, hey. I am grateful and appreciative of how well you treat me. Allow me to gift you with oral sex. Fine.
BUT SEX AS A REWARD FOR NOT CHEATING ON YOU ARE YOU FUCKING DUMB?! SERIOUSLY?!
That’s the same as being like, “wow babe, you didn’t punch me in the face today! You’re such a keeper! Here’s some sex!”
Allow me to remind you of the LITERAL BASICS OF A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP:
(Side note: does not apply to fuckbuddy/FWB relationships. Those are lawless, open-field battle zones. Enter with caution. There are no rules.)
- YOU DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. FUCKING PERIOD. THIS REQUIRES NO FURTHER EXPLANATION. Your emotional baggage, your daddy/mommy issues/alcohol consumption/whatever your lame-ass excuse is DOES NOT FUCKING MATTER BECAUSE YOU HAVE ENTERED A COMMITMENT AND YOU SHALL HONOR THAT COMMITMENT OR YOU SHALL FUCKING LEAVE.
- RESPECT. Like, not calling your significant other derogatory terms in a serious way or hitting them or making them have sex with you against their will. Dating does not equate a free-for-all vagina buffet NOR does it equate some unspoken “I can say whatever I want about/to you because we’re in a relationship” clause. If you do not respect the person you are dating…just WHY?! WHY.
- THE BROKEN TV METAPHOR: Why do you people lead me to preach like I’m fucking 80 when I am 19. Allow me to get into character *clears throat* Baaaaack in my day, when something was broken, you fixed it. You didn’t run out an buy a new one. You worked hard, and you fixed it.
HERE’S A PSA, KIDS: RELATIONSHIPS ARE WORK. LOYALTY IS WORK. COMMITMENT IS WORK. It’s not easy. It’s not always pretty. It’s not always the “honeymoon stage” where your partner shits rainbows and the sex is great and everything is hunky-dory. LOYALTY+RESPECT+WORK+COMMUNICATION= BASICS OF A RELATIONSHIP
IF ANY OF THE ABOVE ARE THINGS YOU CANNOT HANDLE, STAY. FUCKING. SINGLE. THANKS.