The Heartbreaking Tragedy of Not Being In Love With Yourself

This post is for those who, like me, are up at one in the morning drunk off of thoughts.

This post is for those who have lost themselves irreparably amongst the wreckage of trying to find themselves.

This post is for you, and anyone who has tried to love you, because you and they both will know how difficult it is to love someone who does not love themselves.

We are the ones addicted to your existence, because we cannot find worth in our own. Loving you is a scrapbook. We envy every second. moment, memory that you spent without us, even if you didn’t know us yet. We do this because we revel in your existence, and it’s painful to think someone made memories with you that we are not a part of. It is not your fault, we just shy away from memories of our own, so your floppy skater boy hair and awkward stage we were absent for means the world to us, even though it is not ours.

We will hang on every detail of your first loves, your last loves, your demons, and make them our own. We might claim to know you better than we do. Sorry. But being lost in a sea of self-doubt can only lead to grabbing onto the closest thing afloat. Sometimes, your stories and your pain are a life raft from our own misgivings, so we adopt them.

We are vastly loyal, but you’d never see it. Behind withdrawn tantrums and angry outbursts, we adore those we surround ourselves with, but have a natural proclivity for pushing them away. The issue with not seeing your own worth is that you’re not sure why anyone else would either. But to those who stick with us, we never truly leave their side.

You can tell us we’re beautiful, stunning, fantastic. You can bathe us in compliments and paint us with love to our core. But just might never see ourselves the way you see us. This doesn’t mean we don’t hear you.

Our emotions might be outlandish. We struggle with reacting too much, or not reacting at all. Every emotion is a learning process, a baby step. We are stuck somewhere between wanting desperately to blend in, and wanting desperately to be seen. To be heard. To be helped. Other times, we’d rather blend in and be forgotten entirely.

We’ve created masks, and we wear them well. We have days we look in the mirror and we’re okay, and days we’d be elated to never see another mirror again.

We are broken, we are beautiful. We are women and men. We are masters of disguise, hopeless romantics, psychotic breaks, and 3 am phone calls.

We think we’re alone, but we aren’t.

Amongst the millions of other lost souls in masks we wander, wondering if they can see us, hoping they don’t, praying they might. Each mind carries a burden they think no other mind can bear. And some can’t. Unfortunately, those seem to be the minds we encounter most. Those who see our darkness and flee from it, worrying it will unmask their own.

But occasionally there is a light. A steadfast pillar to lean on in times of need. The one person who never gave up on you.

This post is for the wanderers, the scared, and the emotionally infantile. You are not alone. Now that I’ve let you see me, I hope you let me see you.

-R

Advertisements

How to Be an Okay Human (Even if You’re Kind of a ____ Like Me)

I have an attitude problem. This isn’t a secret. And no, it’s not my mother’s fault either. She did the best she could, but sometimes kids just pop out sassy and there’s nothing you can do. (Sorry Tina, love you)

I’ve tried to control it, really I have. I go in to work or walk around campus with  a mindset of positivity. Or a new school year starts and I think, “I’m going to be super nice to everyone this year!”

But then something happens. Not even something big. Maybe it’s something someone says, or maybe a customer has piss-poor manners, and then all my efforts to suck less fly out the window, and the RBF returns.

IMG_3273
RBF: I have a problem, sorry.

However, despite my impermeable sass and inability to keep my opinions to myself, I still fall in to the category of “passably decent.” And you can too!

Since my mother is amazing, even though she could not tame my attitude, she did teach me basic human decency.

Looking around, it seems we could all use a few reminders.

3 EASY STEPS TO BEING AN OKAY HUMAN 

  1. Your P’s and Q’s. This is basic. You ask for something, you say please. You receive something, you say thank you. This means your Starbucks (can I have a pumpkin spice latte, PLEASE?). This means after someone asks if you want fries with that (yes PLEASE). This means when you receive your paper back from a teacher, even if you failed, cause that’s a you-problem (THANK YOU). The fact that I even need to say this one is repugnant, hence why it’s first.
  2. Simple etiquette. Unless you were forced into Cotillion like me (or maybe you went on purpose, I don’t know your life), you may not be primed on the utmost important rules of polite society. Plus, what you do behind closed doors or with your friends is all you. But out in public, there’s a way to act, and it takes very little of your time or energy. Seriously.
    • Chew with your mouth closed. If I wanted to see what you were eating all mashed up, I’d stick my finger down your throat.
    • Ostentatious burping. My brother, Joseph, and I have a thing we do where if one of us burps, we’ll yell out a number, 1-10, on the quality of said burp. But this is something we do at home, and with each other. NOT WHEN YOU’RE OUT IN THE WORLD AND PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU. IT’S JUST BASIC MANNERS. A customer actually burped so atrociously the other day as I was walking by him, I couldn’t help but look at him and murmur, “well that was charming…” Whoops.
    • Opening/holding doors. No, not just for women. For people with their hands full. For people who are walking in right behind you. For people who are with a large group. It’s just nice. And unless you don’t have arms, it’s really not that much of a burden on you, so just do it.
  3. Treating people like human beings. This is so important, and it’s hardly done anymore. I’m going to say something, and it’s going to be news to some of you: you are not any better than someone because you make more money than them. Everyone gets basic human respect, period. Your cashier. Your janitor. Your neighbor. Your barista. Just because someone is below you POSITIONALLY does not mean they are below you IN GENERAL. 

Hope this helps. And remember, if this sounds like too much to ask, you might just be a bigger _____ than I am.

(PS Also don’t be the jerk who comes in to a restaurant 10 minutes before closing because we have already cleaned up, and we do hate you. But that is more personal than general.)

#RelationshipGoals: Because Why Not Put a Monetary Value on Love?

Screen Shot 2015-12-04 at 5.55.00 PM

Imagine this: you log on to Twitter. You scroll through your news feed and WAIT. STOP. Tammy’s boyfriend bought her the new Naked Palette.

And a Costco teddy bear?!?!

You turn to your own worthless, thieving boyfriend beside you. All he’s ever done is tell your you’re beautiful everyday and wipe every tear you’ve cried. Jackass.

“Get out,” you yell as you push him off the bed.

He seems confused, and in a chaos of “Babe, I don’t understand”s and “what did I do wrong?!”s, that asshat finally leaves.

Good riddance.

Did he not think your love was worth a Naked Palette? Or at least 100 roses delivered to your office. Jeez. Gifts should be an every day part of a relationship, and if a guy isn’t giving you that, then he just isn’t worth it. Move on, girl!

Besides, if I don’t snap, tweet, and Facebook-offical my relationship, how will people ever know how happy and adorable we are and be jealous?!

Aaaaaand stop. I’m sorry. I couldn’t even write the satire anymore. I was going to throw up.

Now let me start with a disclaimer, because apparently I need to do this now, *clears throat*

THIS POST DOES NOT APPLY TO ALL PEOPLE WHOSE BOYFRIENDS BUY THEM GIFTS OR WHO POST THEM ON TWITTER OR WHO BREATH OR EXIST IN GENERAL.

There we go. Now.

In an age of social media, I feel like we’ve lost sight of what #RelationshipGoals should actually be.

And, since I apparently need to clarify this as well: I, TOO, HAVE AT TIMES BEEN IMPERFECT AND TRIED TO IMPRESS PEOPLE WITH THE ADORABLENESS OF MY RELATIONSHIP, as if my imperfectness was not already implied.

IMG_3378

So while it is completely fine for your boyfriend or significant other to buy you gifts, and while it is alright (if not immensely cliché) to post this on social media so that other girls can be jealous and so that guy you used to hookup with but still aren’t really over can see how well your guy treats you (don’t lie, I see you), let’s keep in mind some REAL relationship goals that seem to have gotten lost behind the “wear me @ 6 tonight”s and new-contouring-kit-madness.

#RelationshipGoal he respects you. Duh.

#RelationshipGoal he isn’t afraid to say no to you–because although you may be his “princess,” you are not his ruler. You are his partner.

#RelationshipGoal he thinks you’re beautiful with or without all the expensive makeup he may or may not buy you, and reminds you of that.  Even when he sees you down six tacos or an entire bag of SkinnyPop.

#RelationshipGoal he’d be a good father (if you see it being long-term).

#RelationshipGoal he has seen your flaws, accepts them, and knows how to cope with them, not coddle them (enabling isn’t good for anybody).

#RelationshipGoal he’s intellectually stimulating–because when he’s old and flabby, and so are you, all you’ll have are each other’s minds. So make sure you like that shit.

#RelationshipGoal he makes you the best version of yourself. Because anyone who makes you a worse version of yourself, though fun to party with and probably good in bed, is not someone you want for the long haul, although feel free to live a little and take that short-term.

Another disclaimer: I’m not a relationship expert, obviously. I’ve been in love with the same guy since I was 15, and still can’t seem to get it together enough to be a girl he deserves (sup, Superman), BUT he’s taught me how a girl deserves to be treated and given me more than a few reality checks. SO REMEMBER:

Money can always be made, abs can always be sculpted, jobs and futures can always be changed, but a man who will love you, be loyal to you, and adore you is born, not made. And THAT should be your real #RelationshipGoal.

(*read this in the fast voice that happens at the end of prescription drug commercials* A boy giving you gifts does not lessen the seriousness or intensity of your relationship. The message the author is trying to convey is that your relationship should be about love and respect and not about buying/doing/being things that will look good on social media. If this article somehow -impossibly- offended you, you may comment because this is America and we are free and shit, but, like, seriously?)

The Importance of Telling Your Story: Depression

DISCLAIMER: So, heads up, this video was going to suck a lot less UNTIL I dropped my phone into a vat of soap and grease at work and lost my background video and commentary.

Also BOTH my “professional sources” never emailed me back/couldn’t make it. So shame on me for procrastination nation, and shame on fast food for just being a horrendous working environment in general. Moving on.

Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 1.42.52 PM
what comes up when you search “depression clipart.” helping the stigma. much?

Depression. There is a stigma behind it. You’ve seen the memes showing a dark shadow following you around, or the images of cuts across wrists and mascara running down faces. But is that what depression really is?

Apparently not. Actually, depression is lurking in corners of things we may think are quite ordinary. According to this article, entitled 5 Uncommon Signs of Depression, some normal, but often overlooked signs are:

  1. Rapid weight change- suppressed or lessened appetite in a society where “have you lost weight?” is usually a compliment.
  2. Short temper- although commonly paired with moping and sadness, being easily irritated and snappy with others can be a sign of depression as well.
  3. Boredom- loss of interest in passions is a well-known sign, but this can come off as just boredom. Simple, low-demand activities (naps, Netflix, internet) become more frequent.
  4. Psychosomatic aches and pains- random pains and aching that were not present before may appear. Sometimes, your body knows you’re hurting before you do. Cliché, but true.
  5. Trouble making decisions- Don’t panic. Not knowing what major to declare or what country to study abroad in is NOT a sign of depression. Panic and trouble making basic decisions, like what to eat for dinner or what tv show to watch, are.
imgres.jpg
yet another deep, dark, “depression” photo

“Most people don’t even realize there’s a problem,” says Megan Miller, Cal Poly student. Her statement coincides with statistics: over 50% of people with depression will go undiagnosed or never seek treatment. Whether this is due to the negative stigma behind depression or the broad diagnostic attributes, professionals are unsure.

Psychology major, Jake Clark, is aware of the negative stigma behind depression. “People think that people with mental illness are crazy, or that they’re unfit for society,” says Clark.

Many have blamed this stigma on the court system and criminals pleading “insanity” for their actions. However, an article by Washington Post easily lays this to rest, saying that less than 1% of criminals are granted an insanity plea, and even less are let off and set completely free.

Psychology Today, wonderful website that it is, outlines a very important but little talked about fact: Depression is Different for Everyone.  It also tends to be a self-fufilling prophecy: people with mental illness, especially depression (and addiction) fear pushing away those closest to them, so they end up alienating themselves. They fear never having a normal relationship, so they don’t try. This constant cycle of being alone because they fear being alone only intensifies and confirms their fears…because they create them.

As a society, we’ve been brainwashed by tv shows, media, etc. We think all schizophrenics are in the corner talking to themselves or planning murder. We think all sociopaths are Dexter Morgan. We think all depressives are on the edge of a cliff, when frankly, this is the furthest thing from the truth.

At the end of the day, everyone around you has SOMETHING. If their not depressed, maybe they know or love someone who is. If nothing else, glean from this article that:

In the midst of all the bullshit and us battling each other, each one of us is battling ourselves. Be gentle. Be kind. Be human.