Plot Twist: You’re the Reason Your Hook Up Doesn’t Respect You

“Did she send you a nude or something?”
“I wouldn’t be trying to make her my girlfriend if she’d sent me a nude.”

Direct quote from a conversation I had with one of my guy friends yesterday.

Girls, girls, girls. How do you expect guys to respect you when you don’t even respect you? This isn’t meant to sound preachy. Anyone who knew me my senior year knows I had my fair share of disrespecting the hell out of myself.

But I’ve had to get my fair share of reality checks in a slap across the face, so here’s yours! SLAP!

re-re-respect yo self before you wreck yo self, son
re-re-respect yo self before you wreck yo self, son

Reasons Why Your Hook Up Isn’t Taking You Seriously

  1. You’re showing him everything right off the bat – whether that’s nudes, drunkenly taking off your shirt, or wearing a crop top and short shorts to a party, boys like the chase. If you’re showing him what you basically look like naked from day one, he’s never going to value you with your clothes on. Like ever.
  2. You literally radiate your desperation– Guys can smell desperation. If you’ve hooked up once and you’re already baking him brownies, sleeping in his sweatshirts, and offering to do his grocery shopping, you’re going to scare the poor kid. You might as well go up to him, get on your knees, and beg “please wife me, pleeeaasseeee.” But darling, if he wanted to wife you up, he would’ve taken you on a date instead of inviting you over to drink with him and his friends. Just saying.
  3. You try too hard to be “one of the guys”– If you have to constantly talk about how you’re one of the guys, you’re not one of the guys. If you put on fresh make up and a cute outfit to go and literally watch your boy and his friends play FIFA, you’re not “one of the guys.” Knowing three football teams and two players does not make you a “sports fan.” Drinking beer does not make you “basically a bro.” If you still hold in your farts and censor your swear words when you’re with him and his boys, you’re a phony, and he knows it.
  4. You just are one of the guys- Contrary to #3, he’s heard you fart, burp, and any other gas you can emit from your body. He knows you swear every other word. He knows about dudes you’ve hooked up with, and he asks your advice about other girls. You’re somewhere deep, deep, deep beyond the friendzone. You’re in the bro-zone. Ouch.
  5. You’re obviously still in love with your ex- Maybe you had a chance of that one night stand turning serious…but then you started drunkenly crying about your ex, or talking smack about him, or you brought him up the next morning. Guys are stupid, but they aren’t dumb. If you’re still talking about it, you still care, and very few guys want to compete/deal with your ex baggage. And the ones that do put up with it probably have some ex baggage of their own, which will lead to some excessive Facebook/Instagram/Twitter stalking on your part, and that’s waaaaaaaaaaay too much effort.
  6. You get around too much- No one wants something everyone has had. That’s like someone saying, “hey want these adorable panties from Victoria’s Secret? I’ve only worn them for three years.” That’s disgusting, and so are you if you can’t walk across campus without running into at least five guys you’ve hooked up with every time. Now, I’m not slut-shaming. If you want to have sex, do it! It’s the 21st century, get that richard, girl! BUT guys are less likely to want to wife you if you’ve been hit, quit, and passed to a friend, and there’s a fine line between getting laid and getting around. RESPECT YO SELF.
  7. You blow up his phone when you’re drunk- Similar to #2, your intentions are good, but potentially creepy and definitely annoying. There’s a difference between a drunk conversation and texting him “where areww yu” 50 times with no response. Also, if you DO happen to be drunk with him somewhere, don’t cry. Even the nicest guy has no idea how the hell to handle you, what to say, or why you’re even crying. He’s out trying to have a good time. Save your emotions for when you get home with your girls. They care. Guys you’re dating don’t, and guys you aren’t dating DEFINITELY don’t.
  8. You’ve let him walk all over you, so he knows he can- He’s made you cry. He’s ignored your texts and attempts to hang out. He’s hooked up with other girls in front of you. He’s kicked you out at five in the morning after saying he’d let you sleep over. And yet when he hits you up for a hook up, you go without fail. Or, even worse, you hit HIM up. Newsflash, babe: Sex is not the way to a man’s heart. Being there whenever he calls AFTER he’s walked all over you does not show your loyalty, it shows your stupidity. Stop that. Seriously.
  9. FINALLY, You don’t respect yourself- This one is hard. Whether it’s body image issues, daddy issues, or some unholy combination of both, being a girl is freaking hard. It’s hard enough to love yourself, let alone get someone else to love you. And I feel that sooooooooo hard. Really, I do. But if you don’t respect yourself, it doesn’t matter if you’re a diamond-studded princess worth a trillion bucks with a cherry on top. Guys won’t see it until you do. Remember that, you beautiful hot mess, you.

So. Recap. Keep your clothes on, keep your legs shut, and keep your head high. You’re beautiful and amazing, and the right guy will figure that out. Don’t trip about guys you may have already messed it up with, everything happens for a reason, and I swear there’s another fish in the sea with fins as sexy as his were. If you focus on you, boys will come (haha, pun intended).

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7 thoughts on “Plot Twist: You’re the Reason Your Hook Up Doesn’t Respect You

  1. Have you not considered that the notion that one’s value (specifically a girl’s value) being directly related to one’s sex life is precisely the stigma that feminism is directly trying to combat? And that by saying girls are disgusting if they have a certain amount of sexual partners *is* actually slut-shaming, contrary to your illegitimate disclaimer? “If you’re showing him what you basically look like naked from day one, he’s never going to value you with your clothes on. Like ever.” The fact that girls have to be covered to deserve respect as a human being doesn’t set off any red flags in your mind? I’m actually a huge advocate of modesty because it subverts the current patriarchal climate of women being sexualized, but your position here perpetuates this misogynistic, slut-shaming, patriarchal society to which nobody should be contributing. I definitely agree that you have to respect yourself, but you come at it by way of legitimizing all of the problems in society, as if it’s girls’ fault. In an ideal world, this conversation shouldn’t be happening because guys and girls would mutually and equally respect each other, but because girls are being slut-shamed and objectified, modesty is to be called for NOT to redeem or keep oneself “valuable” (because one’s value is based on if men find you desirable?? wtf??), but to make a statement against such objectification because we already have inherent value.

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    1. You articulated my thoughts much better than I could have. Like many, I am here as a result of someone re-posting the blog about millennials and I find this woman’s writing to be extremely reactionary. Exaggerating the things in society she does not agree with. I have never in my life met a girl desperate for a guy’s affection like the girls the writer is trying to correct in this essay. Most women know their value as a partner is high because guys are constantly trying to get with them. They know that they always have options. I don’t know where the author is meeting these girls that blow up a guys phone or send them “nudes” unless they know, like, and trust the guy well. Also, I think the author has misinterpreted the motives of the women she is trying to correct in this essay. I don’t know a single woman who dresses provocatively or sends “nudes” in an attempt to win a guys attention/affection. There is an entire sub-page on reddit of girls who post nude pictures for anyone to see. I think there is a certain empowerment that is gained from it, as well as a kind of sexual fulfillment gained as well… now, I’m going to stop speaking on things I don’t know for sure, not being a woman…. but as a guy, I do not base my respect for a woman on how she dresses or how sexually active she is. If I like and respect a woman for who she is, there is no amount of sexual partners under her belt that would cause me to lose even the slightest bit of respect for her. Because sexual activity has no bearing on how much a person respects themselves or how much respect they deserve. This entire essay speaks on the motives of people who are NOT the author and who’s motives the author has no business presuming on.

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      1. Thank you, I appreciate that! I started with the post about millennials too. I think you’re totally on point! I side more with the sexual fulfillment being gained, not so much empowerment because I tend to see it as a pseudo-empowerment. Real empowerment is gaining social, economic, political power, not the power that is antithetically dependent on men’s reactions. But it’s a totally complex issue and widely debated in feminism. I’m glad there are guys like you out there, Jim! I love your last sentence too. Spot on.

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