Daddy Issues: Your Stripper Jokes Are My Life Story

Hi there. This post is painfully honest. If you're not down for that, or you're just going to judge it, don't read it.

*Disclaimer: This post is painfully honest.*

I was sitting in the forum at Christian camp surrounded by a couple hundred other people in my age group: high schoolers. We were listening to our speaker, whose name escapes me now, because what happened in the next few moments was more memorable than anything else that happened that week.

He was talking about God as our ideal father. God was a father who would never abandon you, hurt you, leave you, or betray you. And then he paused. Tears welled in his eyes and he looked at us all and, voice hitching with tears, said to us, “and to those who have a father who has not done his job, and who has abandoned you….I am so sorry.”

I do my best not to be a sobbing mess in public. But those words coming from someone who knew my pain without knowing anything about me, or even who I was in a crowd, struck me. And I cried. But that isn’t what was memorable. What floored me was that I was not the only one. Upwards of twenty people simply lost it. Tears, screaming, complete breakdowns, and I realized it wasn’t just me. 

My father died when I was twelve. That’s simple information. It’s a matter of public record, and that isn’t what this article is about. This is not a sob story. But I had never noticed, until that moment, how much the absence of a father had affected me, and how much it affected others who experienced that absence as well.

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It’s a running pun. You think daddy issues and you think strippers. Girls run around calling guys “daddy” as a joke, or seriously (God forbid), without realizing that to some of us that is such a foreign word because we never got to say it or we stopped saying it at a young age because, well, there was no daddy.

But I never realized how insanely detrimental and life-changing this absence would be. When it happened, I missed one day of school, and never looked back. I had learned from a young age that the world doesn’t stop just because you’re hurting. But I’ve learned daddy issues are some serious sh*t. And here’s why:

  1. A father teaches a woman how to interact with a man. An article by Huffington Post says, and I quote, “the role of a father is to teach his daughter how to be in a nonsexual, intimate relationship with a man.” What happens when this teaching is absent is a settling. Girls become so ready to fill that void left by their father that they’ll fill it with anything they can.
  2. A father teaches a woman that sex is not love. In early adolescence, hormones ablaze, is the worst time to lose a father because this is when you are truly learning the difference between lust and love, and a father acts a guideline for that. He is the ultimate: a man you adore, depend on, and worship but are not sexually attracted to or physically intimate with. Without this, the two get muddled together, and what happens is either a dependent attitude toward sex, or a completely cavalier one. Psychology Professor, Ned Schultz Ph.D, explains “Girls who miss some of this contact are sometimes found to have difficulties with romance and sexual behavior in adolescence and early adulthood.  They may enter intimacy a little too quickly.”
  3. A father teaches a woman how to love fearlessly. Because a father is never supposed to hurt you or leave you, when he does, he instills that fear of abandonment in all relationships with men because the one man who wasn’t ever supposed to hurt you, did. Professor Schultz continues, “[The daughters] sometimes show “counter-phobic” behavior:  while anxious about relationships, they move into them eagerly, as if that will decrease their anxiety.  They may have some difficulty establishing boundaries or taking their time with intimate relationships.  Some show ambivalence — a “hot/cold” or roller-coaster approach to intimacy where one feels simultaneous strong positive and negative feelings about a relationship.

This makes love for a daddyless daughter look hopeless. Because who would love someone who doesn’t know how to interact with men, or thinks of sex so cavalierly, or is terrified of love? Aha, but someone has, and someone will.

Interviewee, Joseph Roias
Interviewee, Joseph Roias

An interview with Joseph Roias, love-interest of a ‘daddyless daughter’ explains the difficulties of dating such a person (WHO EVER COULD IT BE?):

Me: Was it obvious in your relationship that a father was missing from your girlfriend’s life?

Not at first. For the first little stretch of our relationship, I couldn’t tell, but as you get to know someone over time, it’s the little things that can trigger something in her head…whether it’s a memory or particular surrounding. It led to some tears, but I’d say it was most apparent at prom. Women without fathers don’t break down often, but when they do, it’s a lot all at once.

Me: What behaviors and tendencies, if any, did your girlfriend exhibit that you think were a result of this absence?

The only behavior I noticed early on was this lack of patience for those who depended heavily on others. The fuse was short with this one, and sometimes explosions of brutal truth would surface. She’s an independent woman, yet I found out later that she depends on loved ones just as much as the rest of us…even if she doesn’t show that side to the public.

Me: Was it more difficult to date/be intimate with a girl who had “absent father syndrome” than it was to date/be intimate with girls who did not?

I found it to be just as hard to be intimate with a woman with a father than without. It’s nerve racking for me no matter what, but women without fathers have a lot more walls and defense mechanisms to withdraw themselves from intimacy and passionate emotions. If you put in the work to gain their trust, and trust me it takes time, it’s worth it.

So we aren’t the easiest people to love, okay. But it’s possible. But when the subject of daddy issues comes about, one group always seems to get ignored: the future fathers. Yes, boys can have daddy issues, too. But they handle them differently than women.

With men, it is less about promiscuity and more about anger. However, the absence of trust is still the same. On Oprah’s show Lifeclass, they did a segment on Fatherless Sons. The commentator, Iyanla Vanzant said, “many men get stuck in the anger rather than acknowledge the hurt, because that makes them vulnerable again.” It is not worse for one gender or the other, because while a father might teach a woman to love a man, a father teaches a son how to be a man. This is especially true when the father has died, instead of just being absent such as in a divorce.

In a PsychCentral article outlining her study done Dr. Mary Shenk or the University of Missouri said, “Certain negative effects of a father’s death can’t be compensated for by the mother or other relatives.” Her study also found that a father’s death is most likely to affect a child’s successfulness if it occurs between ages 11-15.

Intervieww, Carmelo Castro-Netsky
Interviewee, Carmelo Castro-Netsky

Carmelo Castro-Netsky relates how having an absent father has affected his relationships. His parents divorced when he was young, and his dad returned to Chile while he and his mother, Debra, moved to Miami. Castro-Netsky states, “I’m still not sure how the absence of my father has affected my relationships with others. I like to think that it hasn’t negatively affected me, [but] the “unquestionable” sentiment of ‘respecting one’s elders’ has been tarnished, and I am more inclined to ‘talk back’ and speak my mind when I feel I am being mistreated or held to an unfair expectation. I believe I have become more guarded, and am less inclined to be open with everyone.”

So what does one take away from this?

For the daddyless daughters and sons out there: we are not impossible to love. Although this absence may shape us, it does not have to define us. And while this absence may explain some of our…less than desirable actions, it does not justify or excuse them. You can either choose to let this create you or destroy you, but it does affect you, and accepting that and acknowledging it is key.

For the rest of you: Hug your dad. Be grateful he’s there, because he won’t always be. And while I love a good daddy-issues-stripper joke as much as the next person (my sense of humor is twisted), just be aware that the punchline of your joke (or your sh*t talking, she sub-blogs once again) is someone’s very real life. Just because you haven’t experienced it doesn’t make it any less real to those of us who have.

Girl on Girl: Only Okay After 11pm

Girl on girl crime. You see it every day: at parties, on social media, in the whispers of the library…

Sonya_vs_Kitana_Dragon_Con_2012

Girls just can’t seem to be nice to other girls. Is it because they feed on drama? Do they feed on souls? Is it that time of the month? No, boys, it’s you! Seriously. A fair amount of a girl’s crazy comes from one thing: we’re trying to impress you.

Don’t let it go to your head, we aren’t doing it on purpose. A girl doesn’t talk about how Susie gained three pounds because she wants Brett to like her. But girls do tear down other girls because of anxiety over finding, or keeping, a mate.

Female competitive psychology wasn’t really explored in depth until the 80s, mostly because most psychologists were men and because the words “aggressive, competitive, violent” were still more strongly associated with men. But after a couple centuries of living with women, I guess they observed enough crazy to decide that “aggressive and competitive” mating applied to us too.

you find the weirdest images when you have to avoid copyrights...
you find the weirdest images when you have to avoid copyrights…

So, here are some psycho female tendencies explained by psychology:

  • Forever insulting other girls. David Buss found in the 1980s that competition for a mate takes two general forms: building up yourself and tearing down your competitor. Now this makes perfect sense but the way men and women do it is different. Men will flaunt abilities and social status, and rip on another guy’s physical strength and economic status. Women will flaunt their youth and looks, and in turn tear down those traits in other women.
  • Manipulation. Another couple of psychologists, Maryanne Fisher and Anthony Cox, followed up on Buss’s work and discovered manipulation of mate and competitor was a huge part of mating, especially in females. So the crying, smack talking about your ex, embellishing stories thing…still about sex.
  • Being fake. This one was very interesting, because it’s a female practice I have long questioned the motive behind, so here it is: a women’s first evolutionary priority is to maintain her body in such a state that it can have children. For this reason, they “rely on veiled aggression toward other women,” because downright physical and verbal aggression could result in a fight which could damage their womb!!! GIRLS ARE FAKE TO PROTECT THEIR UTERUS. HA HA.
  • Being mean to pretty girls. This one is survival of the fittest. If a new, attractive competitor shows up to the watering-hole, two things will happen: the existing females will befriend her as an asset to draw males to them OR they will exclude her, viewing her as competition. This is also the explanation for when you ask a girl, “why don’t you like her?” and she says, “I just don’t.”
  • Slut-shaming. This one is great. I actually laughed out loud. Women hate “sluts” because they are procuring and successfully mating with more partners! Although, a study showed that women did not want to befriend said “sluts” because they didn’t want that label attached to them, because such a label could also hurt their mating potential. So this was a win-lose for sex-enthusiastic females.
  • Moms calling their daughters fat. No really, this is a real thing. And it happens because mothers (and grandmothers, apparently) are deep-down really butthurt that they have passed reproductive age. So, they focus their energy on their daughter’s physical attractiveness so that a mate will choose her and bring new resources and protection to the family. So don’t worry, you’re not fat, your mom is just mad about menopause.
  • Being over emotional. A study showed that the constant stress of mating interfered with the overall happiness of women more than it did in men. Also, it showed that women were quicker to pick up on subtle emotional cues and aggressions that men did not see. So while a man might hear a simple statement from another female as her “just being friendly,” a woman says, and another woman hears, something completely different.

So, girls. Next time you turn to your friend to whisper about the new girl in your class or how short Becky’s shorts are, just remember: you don’t need to be mean just because your ovaries are anxious. You’ve got at least 20 years until menopause. Just chill, drink your tequila, and hug it out in a bathroom somewhere. It will all be okay.

Plot Twist: You’re the Reason Your Hook Up Doesn’t Respect You

“Did she send you a nude or something?”
“I wouldn’t be trying to make her my girlfriend if she’d sent me a nude.”

Direct quote from a conversation I had with one of my guy friends yesterday.

Girls, girls, girls. How do you expect guys to respect you when you don’t even respect you? This isn’t meant to sound preachy. Anyone who knew me my senior year knows I had my fair share of disrespecting the hell out of myself.

But I’ve had to get my fair share of reality checks in a slap across the face, so here’s yours! SLAP!

re-re-respect yo self before you wreck yo self, son
re-re-respect yo self before you wreck yo self, son

Reasons Why Your Hook Up Isn’t Taking You Seriously

  1. You’re showing him everything right off the bat – whether that’s nudes, drunkenly taking off your shirt, or wearing a crop top and short shorts to a party, boys like the chase. If you’re showing him what you basically look like naked from day one, he’s never going to value you with your clothes on. Like ever.
  2. You literally radiate your desperation– Guys can smell desperation. If you’ve hooked up once and you’re already baking him brownies, sleeping in his sweatshirts, and offering to do his grocery shopping, you’re going to scare the poor kid. You might as well go up to him, get on your knees, and beg “please wife me, pleeeaasseeee.” But darling, if he wanted to wife you up, he would’ve taken you on a date instead of inviting you over to drink with him and his friends. Just saying.
  3. You try too hard to be “one of the guys”– If you have to constantly talk about how you’re one of the guys, you’re not one of the guys. If you put on fresh make up and a cute outfit to go and literally watch your boy and his friends play FIFA, you’re not “one of the guys.” Knowing three football teams and two players does not make you a “sports fan.” Drinking beer does not make you “basically a bro.” If you still hold in your farts and censor your swear words when you’re with him and his boys, you’re a phony, and he knows it.
  4. You just are one of the guys- Contrary to #3, he’s heard you fart, burp, and any other gas you can emit from your body. He knows you swear every other word. He knows about dudes you’ve hooked up with, and he asks your advice about other girls. You’re somewhere deep, deep, deep beyond the friendzone. You’re in the bro-zone. Ouch.
  5. You’re obviously still in love with your ex- Maybe you had a chance of that one night stand turning serious…but then you started drunkenly crying about your ex, or talking smack about him, or you brought him up the next morning. Guys are stupid, but they aren’t dumb. If you’re still talking about it, you still care, and very few guys want to compete/deal with your ex baggage. And the ones that do put up with it probably have some ex baggage of their own, which will lead to some excessive Facebook/Instagram/Twitter stalking on your part, and that’s waaaaaaaaaaay too much effort.
  6. You get around too much- No one wants something everyone has had. That’s like someone saying, “hey want these adorable panties from Victoria’s Secret? I’ve only worn them for three years.” That’s disgusting, and so are you if you can’t walk across campus without running into at least five guys you’ve hooked up with every time. Now, I’m not slut-shaming. If you want to have sex, do it! It’s the 21st century, get that richard, girl! BUT guys are less likely to want to wife you if you’ve been hit, quit, and passed to a friend, and there’s a fine line between getting laid and getting around. RESPECT YO SELF.
  7. You blow up his phone when you’re drunk- Similar to #2, your intentions are good, but potentially creepy and definitely annoying. There’s a difference between a drunk conversation and texting him “where areww yu” 50 times with no response. Also, if you DO happen to be drunk with him somewhere, don’t cry. Even the nicest guy has no idea how the hell to handle you, what to say, or why you’re even crying. He’s out trying to have a good time. Save your emotions for when you get home with your girls. They care. Guys you’re dating don’t, and guys you aren’t dating DEFINITELY don’t.
  8. You’ve let him walk all over you, so he knows he can- He’s made you cry. He’s ignored your texts and attempts to hang out. He’s hooked up with other girls in front of you. He’s kicked you out at five in the morning after saying he’d let you sleep over. And yet when he hits you up for a hook up, you go without fail. Or, even worse, you hit HIM up. Newsflash, babe: Sex is not the way to a man’s heart. Being there whenever he calls AFTER he’s walked all over you does not show your loyalty, it shows your stupidity. Stop that. Seriously.
  9. FINALLY, You don’t respect yourself- This one is hard. Whether it’s body image issues, daddy issues, or some unholy combination of both, being a girl is freaking hard. It’s hard enough to love yourself, let alone get someone else to love you. And I feel that sooooooooo hard. Really, I do. But if you don’t respect yourself, it doesn’t matter if you’re a diamond-studded princess worth a trillion bucks with a cherry on top. Guys won’t see it until you do. Remember that, you beautiful hot mess, you.

So. Recap. Keep your clothes on, keep your legs shut, and keep your head high. You’re beautiful and amazing, and the right guy will figure that out. Don’t trip about guys you may have already messed it up with, everything happens for a reason, and I swear there’s another fish in the sea with fins as sexy as his were. If you focus on you, boys will come (haha, pun intended).

Hips Don’t Lie, And Other Evolutionary Reasons You’re Falling In Love

It’s all in the hips. Actually, for heterosexual men at least, it’s all in the waist-to-hip ratio.

In the time of our ancestors, there was no such thing as falling in love. You didn’t choose a mate because he made you laugh, or she was a great cook, or his puppy dog eyes melted your heart. Choosing a mate was a simple thought, and it went something like this: “Dang girl, you look fertile. And if we have offspring, they’ll probably survive in the wild and pass on my DNA pretty well.” Boom. Instant soulmates.

hey girl, tryna hunter-gather and chill?
hey girl, tryna hunter-gather and chill?

And even though we’ve evolved into hearts and flowers, it’s not because humans are becoming more “emotionally aware,” oh no. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s still all about that bass.

According to Huffington Post’s Why Do People Fall In Love, we fall in love for one of the following reasons:

  • Political Parallelism- you vote the same
  • Measurements (Women)- you look fertile, girl
  • Chivalry- he’ll protect you and your potential young
  • Your Symmetrical Face- again, hot spouse=potentially hot offspring=survival of the fittest…er…hottest
  • Your Postal Code- easier to mate with people close to you. Duh.
  • Your Age- if you’ve heard of menopause and Viagra, you know why this is important
  • Your Dope Genetics- see “your symmetrical face” and other traits needed to survive in the wild
your waist can be thick as long as your hips are thicker (but you're beautiful as you are, so it's chill)
your waist can be thick as long as your hips are thicker (but you’re beautiful as you are, so it’s chill)

However, HowStuffWorks article Why do we fall in love? takes a slightly less Darwinistic approach.

It simply states we fall in love because we want to feel like we matter to someone. This is not groundbreaking information. Everyone wants to feel like they are valued, and that someone thinks they’re pretty even after they’ve been sobbing over One Tree Hill for thirty minutes (although, let’s face it, no one is hot with snot running down their red, blotchy, Kim-K-cry-face).

Image taken from Pinterest
Image taken from Pinterest

Finally, Business Insider takes both sides and lists 20 Reasons People Fall In Love, but here are some of my favorites:

  1. You and the person are mega similar
  2. They look like your parent (Hello, Oedipus)
  3. The tone of your voice (womens’ voices get lower when they’re attracted to someone, while mens’ get higher. This one I didn’t know, so that’s cool)
  4. You stare at them (creepy, but apparently it’s a thing)
  5. You warm them up. COFFEE DATES AREN’T SLICK ANYMORE, KIDS.
  6. You hated them when you first met them (I feel this one so hard)
  7. If they are less or equally as attractive as you (apparently hot people like dating uglier people more??????)

And so, with that being said, just remember: if he’s not calling back IT’S NOT YOU…it’s evolution. (;